You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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