The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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