It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
