Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
