I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
