You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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