i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
