imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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