I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
