I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
