he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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