Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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