if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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