I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
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