Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
