You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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