I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
