i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
