her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
sex in a hospital.. check
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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