dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
