The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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