we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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