This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
