I am in a vortex of obligation.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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