I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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