god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The air taste purple.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
