So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize