It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
