Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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