I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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