Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
