I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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