she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She even gives head with a lisp.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
