You smell like stripper and shame
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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