I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
we're so committed to being not committed
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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