You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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