I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
