I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
