I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
