He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
