: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
