he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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