I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
