How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Randomize
