Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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