I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
