i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
