Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
