i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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