I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
