I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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