I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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