i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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