I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
