so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
