oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
