god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
