Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
