Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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