I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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