Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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