Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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