Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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