i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think people are normalizing furries
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
